I'm not sure what it is; frustrating job, bitter winter, losing at poker, could be a mixture of a lot of things. The problems compiling at this moment doesn't change the fact that they have been here for the past year and a half, to two years. Actually there hasn't been real progress in my life since I came home from Las Vegas. I remember a time when the answers to a problem came to me from every where, books, omens, meeting new people, I lived a carefree life where anything I wanted came to me. Being a minimalist at heart, I never wanted a lot, but what I desired was always obtainable. Times seem different now, I feel like I'm Bill Murray in "Groundhogs Day" and nothing I seem to do can stop it. Sometimes I wonder if another two years will pass and I will still be grinding online poker tournaments on a meager bankroll, still not coming close to paying off the debt I built on myself.
I remember when I saw the movie "Inception" and I heard the famous quote "Ideas are like viruses", I thought how true that really was. It's happened plenty of times with me, I let a thought creep into my head that did damage to my psyche. Sort of like when an achievement is made that was once thought to be impossible, it happens consistently there after once the critical mass gets the idea that it's possible, well the opposite happens with me. Once I realized I could fail, or I didn't have control over a situation the floodgates opened. The truth is, I'm the only one to blame. I should have never thought bliss would last forever, that I would always win at poker, always have positive relationships, continue to attract into my life everything I need, or simply to believe that the peaks would always significantly outweigh the valleys. They haven't, not even close. As much as I think of my lack of progress the last two years, I feel this is all necessary. I can only imagine how hard it would be if I was not prepared for a big fall. What if I went to be 35 with out any significant deterrents in my life? Would I be a better person? Still humble? One thing is for sure, things have to change. I know I can grind, know I have a strong work ethic, and can make sacrifices. But, the fact is, NONE of that has worked. I feel like it was my destiny in life to fail the past two years, so many things in my life that I held sacred have disappeared. I've lost friends, had numerous failed poker backing arrangements, forced to leave Vegas because of my financial woes, had my heart broken, broke somebody else's heart. I feel like the first 26 years of my life never prepared me for what I've encountered the past two years. I wish life was always as easy as it was before 2009, that I could do all the things I want, with no worries.
I'm realizing now just how much of a turning point I am in my life, I was told by a friend I worked woth at the "Kabbalah Centre" that Saturn Returns to the degree occupied at the time of your birth between the ages of 27-30, and at that time major changes happen in your life. I've never been 100% sold on Astrology, but I'm certain all that is happening is no coincidence. It's time,I have to initiate change, and I have, but it's difficult to know what to change and what not to. I think it's time to let fate worry about all of that, in a time of growth there will always be things left behind, incapable of growing with you. It's none of my business who or what can or will grow with me, it is my business to plant my own seeds, cultivate them, and watch them grow and blossom. What I need is a glimmer of hope to turn it around, an idea to spread wildly, hope that there is a bright shining light at the end of the tunnel for me to run to. That's all I need...
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